We’re used to being hard on our luteal selves. We tell ourselves that we’re too much, too emotional, too angry, or just plain crazy. But what if luteal is the time when we are wholly ourselves? When the rose colored glasses come off, and we can micro-dose the wisdom of menopause? We’ve all looked at an older woman and been so jealous of how little she gives a crap about everyone else’s opinion. Luteal is our chance to not only examine how we really feel about our relationships, commitments, work, and priorities, but also when we can dive more deeply into our intuition. It’s a chance to get radically clear.
This Venus retrograde carries the same energy, but intensified. It’s putting us underneath a microscope. It’s asking for depth, for bravery, for vulnerability, and for radical honesty.
Sometimes astrology doesn’t affect me, but this retrograde is hitting me where I live. It’s asking me to deal with things I thought I dealt with a long time ago. It’s almost like I’m living alongside my past self, the girl that was grieving the dead and the living. The girl that was living with a gaping wound. Working with it these past few weeks, I’ve understood a thing or two about pain, and about love. Pain makes me see the world with utter clarity. I look at people and I really see them. I want to know their stories, because I think that maybe if I could understand them I could understand myself. I speak to God like we’re inseparable and in this together. I love more completely because I have no choice but to be wholly myself.
Back then I stepped away from the pain, because I just couldn’t live in it anymore, and I shut some parts of myself off. I didn’t even notice, it was just what was necessary to survive. And god, I tried to feel it all. But after awhile I just couldn’t take it. In the years since, I have been supremely happy. I have fallen deeply in love with a man who deserves it. I have taken chances on myself and dared to live a life I used to only dream about. But this retrograde has brought that past self back, and showed me that she needs attention.
It’s odd how two things can be true at once. I can be experiencing everything I’ve ever wanted, and I can feel so sorry for the girl that got her world ripped out from underneath her.
I’ve been confused about the feelings this retrograde has brought up. It’s confusing to be deep within a pain I’ve outgrown, but at the same time, being brave enough to sit with it is giving me the power to finally turn those parts of myself back on. The parts of myself that can love without abandon, that can be gooey, and soft, and free. The parts of me that were smashed with a hammer until they hardened.
Now, I’m entering the wisdom of my luteal phase during a retrograde that’s kicked my ass. I know that there will be some despair, frustration, and confusion. But I also know that if I can have compassion for myself instead of expecting myself to be “strong,” (aka, numb), then I will come out onto the other side of this more alive than I’ve ever been.
This is the time when my inner world will shake hands with the universe, and I’m so excited to face this journey with the kind of resilience I’ve repeatedly proven to myself that I possess.
Last time, I didn’t think I could survive. This time I know I will, because I already have.
Here is my retrograde luteal toolkit (I hope it helps you)
Old stories:
Writing down a list of all the stories I told myself based on people’s behavior towards me
Flipping them into curiosities
Example:
Evidence: When things got hard, I slipped back into old behaviors of abandoning myself
Story: I’m not as healed as I thought I was
Curiosity: What would happen if I gave myself grace, and tried to care for myself instead of holding myself to an impossible standard?
Then, burning the stories and keeping my curiosities close
Soul Voice Meditation:
Going into a place in my minds eye where I feel magic and safe, and inviting my true self there. Presenting her with any questions or needs and asking her for her wisdom. If this retrograde is tied to a specific person for you, you can play with inviting their soul into that space. Be careful with this, and always ask their permission (astrally)
Speaking aloud:
Processing out loud. Speaking into voice notes, writing and reading it aloud, talking to a trusted friend or guide. Hearing my own voice with radical compassion and love.
Letter to a past self:
If you feel like a part of you is stuck in time or in pain, write her a letter. Tell her about what it’s like on the other side (this made me sob)
If you’ve been feeling the vibes of this retrograde, I hope these tools help you. Remember how brave you have to be to face your inner world head-on instead of running from yourself. This is serious magic..